Spockology - GP Archive: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fleet Fightin

[Harry Krishna]

Thaddius Q. Derigable to Tour

Legendary pop band "Thaddius Q. Derigable" is reuniting for one final tour this spring. The band, who stayed on the pop charts for nearly thirty years and whose songs include, "The Monocle Dance" and "Pod Me All Night Long," is set to hit all of the major systems except for Thevian (for legal reasons).

They have not played together since their breakup fifteen years ago. The split was a consequence of the drummer, P. J. Horsenhauser, married Christine O'Hare, who later put hits on the rest of the band so she would have more time with P. J.. Thaddius (the leader) was furious at this and quit the band, thus ending its long reign on the charts and in pop culture. Said Derigable, "I think we've worked passed this whole ordeal enough to give our fans a proper closing tour."



Traders Respond to Ik'Thorne Threats

After the leader of the Ik'Thorne Council blamed traders for increased violence in all galaxies, and then called for high taxation on them, alliance leader Jack Mihoff stood and took a stand against these claims. He was soon joined by most of the Trade Alliances, and surprisingly the Human government showed support for the traders as well. Traders from all over the galaxy, began to show that the Ik'Thorne leader was correct as they began to lay siege to Ik'Thorne trade posts.

It is thankful that Jack Mihoff managed to step into this deadly eqaution and stop probable conflict, but we do know that trade ships all over the galaxy are poised to attack Ik'thorne planets and forces.

Very soon there will be a meeting between leaders of major trade alliances and representative from every race in the galaxy, but it is yet unclear as to what the outcome may be. We do know that the Humans will stand by the traders, and this likley means heightened conflict between the WQ Humans and Humans, as the West Quadranters will probably stand beside the Ik'thornes.

With peace in the galaxy beginning to prevail, will this show that peace through diplomacy is not possible? If so we may be seeing many agressive negotiations between many races and alliances.

This is your faithful GP correspondent, Damo Lythria, wishing you safe trading.



Relative Warp Optics

In what could revolutionize the way the sentient beings handle data, Fud Inc. has created an entirely new way of data transfer.

"Well it's a little bit complicated, but in a nut shell we blast the signal straight out in time, then turn around and catch it coming back before we even sent it out. We call this "just before you need it data warehousing. Query writing is a little a tricky but once you get the hang of it, it will redefine the way you do business."

Investors are interested in the technology but are still clueless on how it works. Fud Inc. Labs is going to auction this new software off to the highest bidder next week.



Nijaran - Thevian Peace Signed

In a sudden political move, war between the Thevians and the Nijarian races seem to be over. A formal peace treaty was signed by the presidents of both racial councils.

But the question most pundits are asking is: how long will last? These two races have been slugging it out for a while. Now that they are at peace, let the celebrations begin!

Congratulations to boths sides for this wonderful gathering of races.



Cartoon Characters and their Managers Play Video Games

In a one-two punch, Adult Swim and Legitimate Businessmen blasted their way into Nintendo Power territory and conquered an unoccupied rock. Unconfirmed rumors say that Reincarnation ships were also in the area.

"They truly wanted that rock,” says Princess Toadstool. "They put a lot of coordinated effort into taking it." The planet attacked was 'The Outhouse', a well-known septic system in the Panumbra Galaxy favored by ex-Nintendo player TK. One can only guess at what Legitimate Business is doing there.

Planetary maintenance and service unions throughout the universe are concerned that now that now that LB has their hands in septic services that the cost of pay toilets is sure to go down the drain. "It used to be that they didn't take crap from anybody," commented one Janitorial Service executive, "but now they're taking it any way they can."

Knowing the reputation of the planet and LB, Nintendo players suggest that one should wash their appendages thoroughly after dealing with Legitimate Businessmen. At first, you might not have known where they have been; now you know.

This is PB on Rye reporting.



Like Waves Against The Rocks

The airwaves were once again jammed with news of a battle between the Nintendo Power! and Adult Swim alliances, and it didnt take long for the body count to start showing.

Seemingly on a weekly basis NP sends out a wave of ships numbering 10-15 to attack AS, only to be turned back, or blown to bits. Ever since AS occupied a NP controlled planet for several hours NP has tried thier best to return the favor, but so far the reports coming out of Valheru indicate that NP seems unable to get a foot in the door. Much of the fighting between the two is occurring in neutral territory, Salzik.

The failure of NP to pull off a successful strike has inspired many of their pilots to a kind of determination to keep it up, despite being sent back home time and again. Maybe the waves will finally break the rocks, or maybe the waves will continue to be dashed to tiny bits on the rocks. In either case, a song has been dedicated to NP's efforts. Coming to you straight from the digital depths, is Richie Haven's Trying To Try, a song that should have a special place for all those NP pilots out there, that are trying to try.



Fud Looking for his Family (Legitimate)

In the early morning rain, with a credit in my hand.
With an aching in my heart, and my cargos full of ore.
I'm a long way from home; Lord, I miss my Family so.
In the early morning rain, with no place to go.
Out on launch pad number nine: big Fed Ult set to go.
An' I'm stuck here in the grass, with a pain that ever grows.

Now the liquor tasted good, and the women all were fast.
Well now, there she goes my friend: she'll be leaving at last.
Hear the mighty engines roar; see the silver wing on high.
She's away and westward bound; far above the clouds she'll fly,
Where the mornin' rain don't fall, and the sun always shines.
She'll be flying over my Creonti home in about three hours time.

This old spaceport's got me down; it's no earthly good to me.
An' I'm stuck here on the ground as cold and drunk as I can be.
You can't fly a Fed Ult like you can a Planetary freight train.
So I'd best be on my way, in the early mornin' rain.
You can't fly a Fed Ult like you can a Planetary freight train.
So I'd best be on my way, in the early mornin' rain.



Fleet Flights Reported in Neutral Galaxies

Reports are coming in steadily of alliance battles taking place in the neutral galaxies of Omar, Salzik, and Manton. In fact, many political observers have noted that this fighting seems more prevalent than some of the more difficult military operations like port raids and planet busts.

The past few weeks have seen most of the top ranked alliances facing off against eachother. Nintendo Power! and Adult Swim, Lords of Melnibone and Crusaders, Crusaders and Reincarnation have all had major engagements, according to Galactic Post reporters in the field. There have been numerous smaller fights as well.

Some wonder at this, but one military expert explained what is going on. "It takes a large amount of planning and participation to undertake a big military strike against a planet," says General B. Moore Specific, a leading federal strategist. "In their struggles with eachother, many alliances don't have the cash, ships, or the training to take on a level 70 planet. The alternative then becomes a head-on engagement between fleets. It's much simpler, takes less time to plan. And for those who have been involved in them, they hella fun!"

It could be that galactic inhabitants are in less danger now because of the shift in tactics. Census figures show that populations in the planetary galaxies are rising, but citizens are still warned to lock their doors at night and keep a fire extinguisher on hand just in case.