Cl. Misconception 5: Hanging On

News from the "Galactic Post" and "The Space Merchant Reporter" and "News Control"
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Cl. Misconception 5: Hanging On

Post by Alexis » Fri Mar 27, 2009 3:59 am

Enter the Awesomobile!

Cosmic Motors, a subsidiary of the Federation Shipyard, unveiled its newest prototype early this week. CM's design, dubbed the Awesomobile, boasts the latest and greatest in luxury ship technology.
With over 2,000 shields and armor, along with well over 500 cargo holds, the Awesomobile intends to relieve the universe's traders from rush trading and allow them to do their business in style and comfort.

CEO of Cosmic Motors, Gloob Klavinak, said that his inspiration for this design came from one of his trade outings. "I stepped into the port, and not a minute later I looked out into the parking lot to see my ride getting blown to bits! It occurred to me that businessmen such as myself need a nice, luxurious ride in which to conduct their business! But also a ride that's built like a tank so it can take a few shots before exploding!"

The Awesomobile comes standard with every premium feature advertised by Alskant Motor Corp's Trademaster, as well as a variety of other perks. These include, but are not limited to, an intergalactic autopilot, multi-dimensional mode for the most flexible movement, premium warp engines for faster space travel, a cryogenic stasis chamber for the extra long space flights, and onboard coordinates for the legendary time travel hub.

LotuS was thrilled to hear that the Awesomobile also comes with the most advanced climate control unit on the market, cruise control, a radio equipped with an optimized sound system (including 12 inch subs), and heated bucket seats. LotuS long lobbied the corporation to develop a vehicle that came standard with premium sound and bucket seats, and looks forward to enjoying the fruits of his labor.

Traders around the universe marvel the revelation of this prototype, and eagerly await its introduction into the market. Cosmic Motors expects the Awesomobile to hit stores at an undetermined time at a retail price starting at $129,000,000. Since this news sent shares of Cosmic Motors skyrocketing, there is good reason to believe that shareholders may be in the best position to purchase one of the new Awesomobile's when they finally become available for purchase.
This Doesn't Pass the Smell Test

Federal officers quarantined the Creonti Public Library late Thursday even on account of what may possibly the worst known case of body odor in the history of the known universe. Reports came pouring in to the Galactic Post about a foul odor that offended the senses of bystanders in ways they never thought possible.
One victim fleeing from the library testified, "I was completely unaware that anything could carry such an odor and still be alive!"

Another reported, "If there is a God, he will pay dearly by my hands for burdening our community with this yoke of filth! And if there isn't a God, then ... well... that explains a hell of a lot."

The Galactic Post's finest efforts in describing this putrid abomination can still only pale in comparison to the reality that sits within the walls of the library, polluting this public space. We are incapable of doing it any better justice than merely making this bland mockery of it, such is the intensity of this thing's stomach-turning stench that so thoroughly embodies everything in humanity that is disdainful.

The Federation has responded quickly, however, as they discussed the plan of action with a Galactic Post reporter. They have divided the person strategically into quadrants and isolated specific targets in each quadrant. Each quadrant will be raided on the hour (that is, sprayed with Raid), every two hours.

For the time being, it is recommended to everybody to stay far, far away from the Creonti Public Library. In the spirit of a newly signed peace treaty, the Thevian's have offered to open the doors of its public library to citizens of the Creonti galaxy until this situation is resolved.

Traders are like Electrons

Earlier this week, a staff writer with the Galactic Post was able to sit down with our very own editor in chief, Chibi (Heart). We had a friendly discussion regarding the demeanor of traders as they encounter strangers. Below is a portion of the complete interview. GP: Good evening!

Chibi (Heart): Thank you for having me!

GP: Why do you think it is that people don't smile at each other as they fly past each other's ships?

Chibi (Heart): Probably because you're staring at them.

GP: Oh...

*Chibi nods*

GP: So, you think that if we stopped staring at people, they would start smiling as they flew by each other?

Chibi (Heart): That's difficult to tell! How would you know unless you were looking at them?

GP: Well, maybe we could just peek at each other. You know... Just a little...

Chibi (Heart): It's no use. They'll know.

GP: Oh...

Chibi (Heart): It's like in quantum theory or whatever. If you want to know an electron's position and direction, you have to bounce something remotely visible or measurable off of it, which can totally change where it is and what direction it's headed. You mess it up just by looking, man! So you could go as far as saying, hey, there's something funny going on over there... There are probably some smiling people in that vicinity, but you'll never be able to prove it.

GP: Oh... So ... smiley people on the streets are like electrons, then?

Chibi (Heart): Well, yeah! Why wouldn't they be?


Turbulence in Alskant

11:57:00 PM 3/26/2009 Galactic Standard Time, the Alskant president and prominent member of Twisted_Metal vortex was sent back to his Presidential Headquarters in an escape pod, only to be notified upon arrival that he had already been succeeded by his opposition, Heretic.
Heretic bears the full support of Asylum, being one of their only deputized members.

Pieces of the combat logs suggest that Heretic had a part in the assassination himself, but the combat logs were mysteriously erased from the Twisted_Metal archives immediately after the destruction of vortex's presidential flagship.

When contacted by a member of the Galactic Post writing staff, Siege denied the allegations burdening his alliance-mate, and refused further comment to the Galactic Post.

For now, Heretic is the Alskant president, but the political landscape of the Alskant galaxy is extremely volatile as many are trying to convince Terrence to deputize, which would make him the ranking Alskant Federal officer and thus by default the races president.

More news from the Alskant galaxy in days to come..

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