News Control - Fifth Issue

News from the "Galactic Post" and "The Space Merchant Reporter" and "News Control"
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Rosebud
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News Control - Fifth Issue

Post by Rosebud »

News Control – The paper that isn’t made of paper, huh.


Letters to the Editor

Editor’s note: The views expressed in no way represent those of the paper, its editor, or the sponsors of this paper. It is with this in mind that we publish these letters.

To the Editor:
I sincerely hope that your paper doesn’t turn into what the GP has been becoming. It would probably be easy since Death Control has “purchased” News Control, but please don’t go that way.

-Pa Lease

News Control encourages responses from its readers. Send your letters to Rosebud with a topic of “letter to the editor.” Please keep shorter than 150 words for it to be published.


DC and DoW – Hounding the Dogs Part II

Earlier we saw Death Control take over one level 70 planet owned by the Dogs of War and we saw the same thing happen on 1/23/04 at 9:08:01 AM. It appears that DC took extra precaution in making sure that DoW would not be awake to defend their planet. When asked why DC seemed to not want any DoW awake the response was simple, “DoW knows how to defend. We failed one attempt already because they were able to stop us and we didn’t want that to happen again.” It appears that while DC doesn’t exactly fear their opposition they do know that DoW can fight back. This is the second level 70 planet taken from DoW and many question if DoW will push out the incoming DC fleet, or if DC will continue to take DoW’s planets one by one. Only time will tell and it is a for sure thing that when one or the other of these two is getting ready for an operation everyone needs to be wary.

- Zummer Fielder


Crusaders for the Holy Grail

Earlier in the day the Crusaders amassed a fleet of over 11 Capitol ships around the Death Control warp. Surprised by this sudden pending doom, DC amassed a fleet with what it had. While the DC fleet was no direct match for the Crusaders fleet, they were able to wait in their minefields for any stragglers that may have come their way. DC ambushed some stragglers and managed to take out one Crusader ship while three others made like kamikazes and dived into the mines. Seeing that the Crusaders still had more than them, the DC fleet quickly went back into their galaxy in order to save their fleet from any deaths. After a period of time spent waiting Crusaders sent DC a simple message several times, “hi.. knocked on your door... but you didn't come out and play... oh well..” Does this mark an oncoming war that the Crusaders plan on starting? Hopefully the next few days shall prove this true or false.

-Velma Violence

Crackdown on Crack Results in Name Change

The Underground has recently been heavily persecuted for its widespread operation of selling the earth drug known as crack. With many allegations coming out that the UG has purposely been selling the drug to kids, the Federation has made plans to crackdown on crack. The retaliation by the UG was one that no one could have possibly expected. It appears that the UG has now changed the name of crack to “crackle” hoping to give it a more joyous ring to it. When asked why this change came about a top UG official had this to say, “We all know that the term crack-head is very negative sounding and pessimistic view. It is because of this the name ‘crackle’ will be used. We hope that this will give the drug a new, upbeat image which parents and kids alike will be able to share the experience together. That’s why our new slogan is ‘crackle, bringing families closer together one hit at a time'.” As a family man, I tend to doubt name change alone will bring the drug into acceptance. As for the Federation, “crackle” has surprisingly dropped a few spots in the most dangerous drugs category.

-Tiny Tony Timmy


Rant of the Day

You know what ticks me off? My name. That’s correct folks; my name ticks me off a lot. Lets analyze it shall we? First we have the Nardsworth. Now I’m sorry, but to me “Nardsworth” seems to bring a condescending, cynical view on life. I may be very skeptical, but I am far from cynical. Next is my middle name “Stevens.” Just makes you want to say “stupid” doesn’t it. Finally we have the “III” which just makes me look all anal and upper-class. I’m sorry, but just because I can only drink lemonade freshly squeezed from the Mantubian rainforest with two teaspoons of sugar does not make me anal. When my name is said all people hear is “stupid, anal cynic” and that is why I hate my name.

- Nardsworth Stevens III


Classifieds

WRITERS!!!!
News Control is looking for writers. If you are feeling that the GP isn’t providing the right type of news then here is your chance to show how it should be done. Apply to Rosebud today and he will get you the information you need.

Love
Nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. It's easy. All you need is love.

Rain
How, this is Indian chief Rain Deer and me and my people need rain badly. If your god can make it rain we offer big whompam bounty. We tried to find the “little Injun who could” but he was nowhere to be found. Please help.

Personals

Remember folks, for now the personals are free. Just send a private message to Rosebud with the topic of “personal” and we’ll get you in here for the next issue, but please keep them to 75 words or less. Run time for a personal is two issues so you’ll have to resubmit every second issue.

Vtreka: I’m an Ik’Thorne with an exotic taste, if you know what I mean. I am looking for VERY discrete relationship from an exciting and kinky Creonti. Please respond only between 4 and 6 in the morning. If a female voice answers HANG UP!

Rosenkreuz What can I say about myself? I like bras and panties, that is for sure. For you humans ladies I guess my best correlation I could make is that I am similar in features to your black males… athletic *wink wink*

Nadsworth Stevens III Yes, well… I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t tick me off. One who can treat me like mother treated father. Must be able to cook, clean, and lick the stamps for my stamp collection. Think you’re “good” enough than give me a call

- Personals


Letter From the Editor

Death Knoll here, it seems that our outcry against the GP was met with great acceptance. Instead of writing their views to the paper it appears that many have placed their views in public forums across the universe. It is because of this that News Control will continue to provide the best, most accurate information about the happenings of the universe that it can. Remember that not all battles can be covered by our reporters alone so other alliances our encouraged to have writers of their own send in details of their battles. With you helping us we are able to provide the best service possible.

Thank you and enjoy,
Death Knoll
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