Spockology - GP Archive: Final Conflicts

[Harry Krishna]

Gon Volbar Walks on the Moon!

Self-proclaimed "Astronaut": Gon Volbar has sent out a press release proclaiming that he has "defied gravity's oppressive hold on humanity by landing on [his planet's moon]." He claims his innovation, called a "rocket ship," will launch his race "into the heavens."

Also defeated: "communism," radiation, and "the French." With this feat, he hopes that he will be released from the insane assylum (where he has lived for most of his life) early. The president of that moon has been unable to be reached for comment.


Fud Inc. Patents 5-D Hot Tub

Fud Inc. yesterday released their new product, 'The five dimensional hot tub". Listing at roughly 6,000,000 federal credits installed, the tub is a thing of beauty. Set the timer to 30 mins into the future and then go back and actually start over again.

"I would not recommend hopping in after you you actually got there," says Fud number #6. "It gets a little confusing, but the chicks love it."

Shares of Fud Inc. stock tanked on this one as everyone one who wanted one of these tubs already had one. The Fud Inc. accounting office is trying to post net profits in the past.



Re-Entry

Space Travellers are enjoying the experience of the Creonti’s first state-of-the-art tilting ship. But the initial pilot routes revealed a small design fault… in the loos.

Travelling at 30000mph may be an exhilarating experience, especially tilting into a country bend on the Manton Black Hole. But it wasn’t much fun if you happened to be sitting on the toilet!

One recent traveller who preferred to remain anonymous was en-route to Alskant and was ‘spending a penny’ when the ship went into full tilt – propelling her out of the toilet cubicle and into the carriage. “I was mortified,” she admitted. “I mean, how embarrassing is that; having a hundred people looking at you flailing around on the floor with your knickers at your knees?”

Following a number of other incidents, including a particularly distressing one involving an elderly vicar, Creonti Ship Dealers called in the boffins.

Working through the night at the depots, engineers applied basic tilt ergonomics to the toilet bowls. Working from a new base plate bonded to the floor with high-density corrugated rubber, the bowl itself now sits on a nine-inch, spring-bound pneumatic funnel. This, together with the flexibility of the base plate, means the toilet can tilt to over 45 degrees, allowing you to stay seated in comfort while angled like a high-performance motorbike on a hairpin.

“It was a bit of a challenge,” conceded chief engineer Stanley Greeenaway, “but the comfort and safety of our passengers, no matter where they are in the train, is always the number one priority. We’re proud of what we’ve achieved in the timescale we had.”

The new design still has some flaws, apparently there were some problems when the atmosphere in the ship went. We have had mass reports of peoples waste attempting a re-entry. This is Sarah Snow saying, "Scratch and Sniff."



Atlantis?

Intrepid explorer ad all-around fun party guy Fud #3 may have discovered the long lost galaxy of Atlantis. At a recent press conference Fud #3 announced his find.

"We were looking in all the wrong spots, Atlantis is not a place, it is a state of mind. It is tricky to explain," he explained. "We where screwing around with remote sensing and one of our subjects discovered the place. It took days to understand what he was describing. He was supposed to take a peek into Lydia's sleep chamber, and he came up with Atlantis. Sometimes, the best discoveries are by mistake."



Genetic Testing Demanded at Syncro Competition

The synchronized swimming world is in an up roar after Quadruplets won the Galactic syncro swimming gold medal. 4 men entered the Pool and displayed what could only be described as magic. They may have lost a couple of points with their music selection (Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells) but in the end the artistic merit carried them through to the gold.

Of course the synchro ladies want testing, they can not understand that 4 guys from the planet Margarittaville could steal their gold. The captain of the team, Mr. A Fud, was not available for comments. "I've been covering this sport for 20 years, and I've never seen 4 people move in unison like that," said one judge "In full synchronicity the 4 gentlemen brought a tear to my eye. Those boys deserve the Gold."



Red Shirt Diaries

As often occurs during a mine clearing OP, Nintendo Power was in danger of being jumped by another alliance. As the alliance members became frantic, Jester (the OP leader) would call for his red shirt that he would put on and lead his alliance into battle.

Later, in a follow-up Planet Bust, he once again called for his red shirt just before the planet popped.

Weary from the last few raids, the alliance members recounted the previous attacks and asked "Jester, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" Jester, giving the alliance members a knowing look replied, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The alliance members sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

A few days later, alliance members logged in to find numerous scout pings from Reincarnation, Adult Swim, Crusaders, Shadow, Legitimate Businessmen, Lords of Melnibone, and even Whitfield. The alliance members became silent and looked to Jester for his usual command. Jester, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!"


Sink the Fuddy

In January of '24 the war had just begun
The Creonti had the biggest ships that had the biggest guns
The Fudwrecker was the fastest ship that ever flew in space
On her deck were guns as big as bears and shells as big as trees

Out of the cold and foggy night came the Thevian ship the Poop
And ev'ry Thevian seaman, he knew and understood
They had to pod the Fudwrecker, the terror of space
Stop those guns as big as bears and those shells as big as trees

We'll find that Creonti battleship that's makin' such a fuss
We gotta pod the Fudwrecker cause the world depends on us
Hit the decks a-runnin' boys and spin those guns around
When we find the mighty Fuddy we gotta cut him down

The Poop found the Fuddy and on that fatal day
The Fuddy started firin' from fifteen miles away
"We gotta Pod the Fud" was the battle sound
But when the smoke had cleared away, the mighty Poop went down

For six long days and weary nights they tried to find his trail
Thevian council said "Put ev'ry ship a-sail"
'Cause somewhere out in space I know he's gotta be
We gotta Pod the Fuddy and make him take a pee

We'll find that Creonti battleship that's makin' such a fuss
We gotta Pod the Fuddy cause the world depends on us
Hit the decks a-runnin' boys and spin those guns around
When we find the Fuddy, we gotta put him down

The Nebula-fog was gone on the seventh day
Ten hours away from his homeland the Fuddy made his run
The admiral of the Thevian fleet said "Turn those ships around
We found that Creonti battleship and we're gonna cut him down."

The Thevian guns were aimed and the shells were comin' fast
The first shell hit the Fud, he knew he couldn't last
So that mighty Creonti gave a little blast
"Sink the Fuddy' was the battle cry that shook the seven seas

We found that Creonti battleship that was makin' such a fuss
We had to Pod the Fuddy 'cause the world depends on us
We hit the deck a-runnin' and we spun those guns around
Yeah, we found the mighty Fuddy and then we cut him down



NES Strikes Back

In a sudden turn of events this week, a fleet of 13 ships bearing the Nintendo Power! aka NES insignia were seen entering Anconus galaxy where the Legitimate Businessmen make there home. Reports coming from Anconus officials say that the fleet, led by King Koopa, attacked a level 70 planet located at 3934. A total of 10 NES ships were lost, 9 ships during the attack and one ship to Adult Swimmer Brak in the Salzik galaxy, but NES successfully took the planet. As of this writing, NES still had control of the planet.

Nintendo Power! is now only the third alliance to successfully bust a level 70 planet this round, next to the Crusaders and LB. We can only wonder if this will be the turning point for this alliance in what has seemed a hard uphill battle against LB and AS this round. With AS being kept busy by the occasional Crusader fleet and LB being kept a bay by NES, one thing is certain, residents of Anconus had better stock the cupboards in their bomb shelters.



Crusaders Target Adult Swim

Salzik - (Reuters)
After having spent weeks fighting a series of spectacular fleet battles with Reincarnation and making constant invasions into Reincarnation territory in the Clacher galaxy, the Crusaders have apparently moved on to a new target. Witnesses in the Salzik and Valheru galaxies have spotted several Crusaders fleets making their way into the space claimed by the Adult Swim alliance and have filed reports of fighting between the two alliances with local authorities.

Reasons for the switch are unknown. Leadership of both Crusaders and Adult Swim have declined comment, but the word in the drinking halls is that the warmongers inside the Crusaders were clamoring for new targets.

Crusaders fleets have made several invasions into Adult Swim space, attacking a level 70 and level 28 planet. Crusaders were driven off in their attempt at the higher level planet, but at last report, they still held control over the level 28 rock.

Political observers are speculating that these latest forays are a diversion on the part of Crusaders leadership to relieve the stresses of the long Reincarnation campaign, and that the war against Reincarnation is bound to continue before long.

Others aren't so sure. Although there has been no claim of victory by Crusaders, war reports show that Crusaders have consistently bested Reincarnation in the numerous fleet battles between the two. Reincarnation patrol ships are rarely seen these days in Manton or Omar, leading some to conclude that the war is over even though nothing official has been announced.

One thing is certain in all this however, and that is the enduring sight of a large Crusaders fleet flying through space on their way to strike their chosen target, whoever that may be.