GP Archive Edition 011

[GalacticPost]

TF Leader Has Alliance Members Pimping Out Their Families



Thats right, you heard it here first folks. Allegedly due to the shortage of cash routes in the local known universe, Warlock, the leader of The Forsaken, is currently forcing his memebers to pimp out their sisters and cousins on the streets and spaceways in order to bring in that ever so needed upgrade money. During an interview, a TF member, who has asked to remain unidentified, stated "Man I'm glad I don't have a sister or War would have me on the street pimping her." As everyone knows prostitution is strictly forbidden under Federal Law 395 subsection 69. The Federal Government is currently doing everything in their power to bring down this prostitusion ring before it spreads to the other alliances, but until then, be careful who you are buying a drink for the next time you are at a local pub.


Galactic Post Janitorial Staff Strikes; Office in Disarray



In a mass exodus yesterday, the janitoral staff of the Galactic Post office complex broke contract and left our hallowed halls. Citing what they called unfair wages and a poor pod insurance, The Cleaners guild, formerly only a loose knit group, formed their own organization and are now plaguing the universe with Windex and vacuum cleaners. "It was all so sudden," one slovenly port owner claimed. "They came in, scrubbed the place to a sparkling shine, and took all the credits in the safe for 'fair pay'. It was horrible!" As yet, the Federal authorities consider this merely an odd version of organized crime, yet have no charges above theft. "It isn't even armed robbery," one constable commented. "What are they going to do, beat someone with a feather duster?" We here at the post regret to have unleashed such an unstable group of clean freaks upon our readers, and assure you that no efforts will be made to rehire these unhinged individuals.



Deity in the Flesh!



Astounding both religious fanatics and political leaders across the universe, the heathen god Deke Fentle, formerly only a matter of speculation, has come down from the heavens and is now amongst us in peaceful Alskant form. Previously, his message was spread to our fellow merchants thru the words of the prophets MrSpock and Azool, our Lord Deke is spreading his message across the galaxies on his sojourn as a mortal. However, it appears our Lord Deke is not entirely pleased with what he has found amoungst the unfaithful, as he has joined with the ruthless organization of thugs known as The Forsaken. When our reporter was able to overcome his awe for the deity, he heard Him comment, "I may have to get a Battle Cruiser and put the fear of God in them." This, of course, set our reporter to hours of constant prayer, as he seeked to prove his faithfulness. We suggest our readers do the same, in case there is still time for absolution.