Joke of the Day

Post by **B.O.B.** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:22 am

You Might Be A Computer Redneck If

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go,"
and you still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"

Post by **B.O.B.** » Tue Sep 20, 2005 5:31 am

Continueing with the redneck jokes:

Hick computer terms
Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Post by **B.O.B.** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 12:59 am

The Zen Master:

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3755 ... ngakke.jpg

Thennian · Post by **Thennian** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 9:18 am

i used ot work in a blanket factory

till it folded

Thennian · Post by **Thennian** » Sun Nov 20, 2005 9:19 am

where did Dairy Queen learn to make ice cream??

sunday school

Purify · Post by **Purify** » Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:26 pm

What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall??

Dam!

Post by **B.O.B.** » Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:02 pm

I'm in a bad mood, so hopefully a joke or two will cheer me up.

Some Site wrote:Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."
The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

Car Insurance Excuses

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Post by **B.O.B.** » Tue Mar 14, 2006 5:58 pm

Today's Topic: Space and whatever else I feel like.

Some Site wrote:On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.

Some Site wrote:INTELLIGENT LIFE
It was a happy occasion at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Oppenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Oppenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars, he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

Post by **B.O.B.** » Wed Mar 15, 2006 5:54 pm

Some Site wrote:WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.
WinErr 983: Please insert CD to install the CD-ROM driver [this actually happened]

http://loonix.technigga.net/equals_evil.jpg
^ Good one right there. >=)

You know I'm going to have to make you all beg more creatively before giving out @s anymore:

Some Site wrote:I got 4 suggestions for best opbegging line, i chose igor2's entry as the winner.

Igor2's entry
[19:11] <Igor2> >loonix> "I'm here to check your bots. I'm the central
administrator of bot thecnology of ircnet. It seems your bots has large
secure holes. To let me check for FREE today - op me"

MaWiMaNa's entry
[19:04] <MaWiMaNa> "Please OP me, because I only got five
minutes before I die and I wanted, just this one time, to ban everyone
in the channel. I promise to unban you all, before I pass away.
Please hurry! I the Reaper is just behind me!"

Aiwendil's entry
[19:07] <Aiwendil> "give me op or I will summon the wrath of
FireBot on thy"

norvgea's entry
[00:07] <norvgea> semlan- you know that i like you..
[00:07] <norvgea> ;p
[00:07] <Semlan> lol
[00:07] <Malcolm> hmmmmm
[00:07] <norvgea> and everybody with @
[00:07] <norvgea> ;p

Post by **B.O.B.** » Thu Mar 16, 2006 5:28 pm

Some Site wrote:You might be a gamer if...

...loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.

...you could paper you bathroom in character sheets.

...you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.

...you are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to be bad.

...you have more entertaining "No-:D,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family.

...you talk about your characters as if they are real people.

...you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.

... and none of your friends gets confused.

...you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like... and, as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.

...when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college final exam.

...you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.

...you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.

...you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.

...you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.

...you're still reading this list.

...you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good role- play.

...you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game... (You are so dead! I am not dead!)

...you've ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game because you already have three.

...you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.

...you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that its TS: SI)

...You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.

...you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry.

...you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.

...you consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.)

...you have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous amounts of money for the privelege of sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter statues of Gandalf, and meeting dozens of psychopathic members of the alternate (or similar) sex who will follow you around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you don't know.

...and then signed up en masse with all of you friends to play in games with game masters who you've known since high school.

...you own your own weight in gaming books.

...the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live.

...you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.

...you could wallpaper you bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm).

...you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature.

...you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering.

...you consider the 20th century a state of mind.

...you have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the Trash-80 or the Commodore 64.

...you've ever designed your own character sheets.

...you can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your players.

...you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name.

...you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing- required a blood sample. I'M not getting it...)

...you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).

...you've suceeded.

...you've played Talisman more than once.

...you've finished a game of Talisman.

...more than once.

...you're STILL reading this list.

...you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.

...you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway...

...you understood that.

...you carry AD&D insurance.

...your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.

...an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.

...you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.

...you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them.

...you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)

...you've ceased responding to your birth name.

...you spend more money on dice than on food.

...you sometimes forget what century this is.

...your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe."

...you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.

...your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations.

...you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.

...you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.

...you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?

...you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny b: your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.

...you're sort of dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure you must be a high enough level.

...you've been gaming for more than half of your life.

...you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."

...the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.

...you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "what's New With Phil & Dixie."

...you knew a female gamer once.

...you were a female gamer once.

...you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.

...(For New Englanders only) You were able to find stuff at "Flock, Stock, and Barrel."

...you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky.

...you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all, "sucky."

...you've thought of four or five additions to this list.

...you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.

...you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.

...someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of 10X10 squares.

...or 6'x6' hexes.

...your first though upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect onwhere you'd put the machine-gun nest.

...you and your friends have spent a screening of "The Crow" assigning vampire clans to the various characters.

...you actually wear that little ankh that comes in the Vampire Live-Action box...in everyday life.

...you've ever gotten wierd looks from other customers at places like Denny'sor IHOP because of the nature of your conversations.

...a friend of yours screws something up and you respond with, "looks like you failed your_________ roll."

...you've actually paid to have custom fangs made.

...you wear these fangs in everyday life (not to mention Renaissance festivals).

...you've ever argued against a combat rule based on your experience in the SCA/Military/Police, etc.

...you have a dozen things in mind for when you come across a magic lamp.

...when you talk about the "good old days" you mean when games cost $12 and came with their own dice.

...If you played a different game every night, you'd need a fifty-day week to use your RPG collection to its full extent.

...The six-siders in your dice bag have been worn down to the point that they look like 20-siders.

...your car and/or home is falling apart, you're wearing the same clothes you wore in the 1980's, and you miss meals regularly, but you've got the money in the bank for the next year's worth of <insert favorite game company>'s products.

...If your computer broke down, your biggest worry is how you'd print out your character sheets.

...you can cite the differences between "official" Star Trek, and FASA Star Trek, and Star Fleet Battles.

...your character has more close friends than you do.

...you have more Star Frontiers modules than you have close friends.

...you could write a biography of your character easier than you could write your own autobiography.

...you think that such a biography WOULD BE an autobiography.

...you can't find your favorite shirt, but you know where all the dice that came with your first D&D set are.

...you remember when games gave you tips on "inking" dice with crayon.

...you can give no fewer than six different speeches on "what is roleplaying?",verbatim, from the introductions to different games.

...you've bought a game even though you didn't like the genre or the rules, so that you could fix the rules and convert them to a different genre.

...you've looked into how much it would cost to build a castle.

...there is virtually no game that you can't name the genre, company, or country of origin for (Hunter Planet, anyone?).

...your most important criteria for a mate is that they're a gamer, too.

...you're a hetero male and you've considered changing orientation just to find a mate to meet that criterion (that's a word, right?).

...you've ever written a speech for your character to make just in case he should find himself in such a situation.

...you remember when all games referred to characters as "he".

...Your idea of a fun Friday night consists of getting the gang together and playing for eight or more hours.

...The only reason you want a lake cabin is so you and the gang can go up there and play non-stop all weekend without any distractions.

...Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that means he's got Swing Sword +20 and Look Cool In Armor +15.")

...You branch out from RPGs into the stuff that game was derived from so you make better sense of the bloody thing. (Gamers-turned-Otaku, Gamers-turned- occultists, Gamers-turned-goths, Gamers-turned-military personel, Gamers-turned-martial artists, etc.)

......and you *still* don't stop playing!

...You remember when there was none of this "no exclusively (fe)male viewpoint" :D.

......or when there was none of this "no cussing" crap either.

...You make up songs like "Livin in the Kaer" and "Fun Fun Fun (Till the Horror took her Free Will Away)"

...You've written character histories that are longer than most novels...

......For Paranoia Characters.

...You Watch war documentaries with GURPS Vehicles so you can tell how much damage the 4-inch Naval Gun using an APX shell does.

...You spend five hours converting Modern Aircraft, when you run a fantasy campaign.

...You can quote the exact chance of a 1st-level Mage defeating an Umber hulk from memory, though a Voydanoi takes a little work.

...You break your leg, but insist on using a 'Recovery Test' before calling the ambulance.

...You have a list of what all the potions taste like.

...Your resume descrivbes you as a '5th-Level Civil Engineer'

...Drac's Raving at you.

...You've figured out that the Average AD&D Great Wyrm Red Dragon has 7 cubic feet of treasure.

...You Demand Experience points after winning a fistfight.

...You have a nickname that makes no sense because one of your characters had it.

...You Buy Dragon Magazine "For the Articles."

...You Worship TSR.

...You Detest T$R.

...You've ever constructed yourself as a character.

...You've got more tables than all the restaurants in town.

...You know how to use dice as weapons.

...You use phrases like 'Save vs. Graduation or go insane for 1d4 days.'

...You know how many hit points every member of your family has.

...You know that you can fit 20 d4's together to make a large d20 because you've actually tried it.

...You are not cleared for this information.

...You're up until 5:30 in the morning posting to rec.games.frp.misc.

...You know what the following names originally stood for:
(easy) SPI, SJG

(med.) FBI, FGU

(hard) TSR, FASA

...You know the following acronyms (feel free to append, and credit the game)
AD&D's THAC0

Hero's 1d6 AF NND AE w/14- act

...You own a copy of "Metamorphosis Alpha."

...you spend hours poring through this newsgroup, but just can't find the time to read Book IX of Paradise Lost for your Milton class tomorrow.

...you own Dragon magazines below number 100

...Your subscription copy of Dragon shows up in the mail one month, and you realize it's the hundredth consecutive issue you've bought. (In my case, it was 187).

...You own consecutive issues farther back than that.

...You've read every issue from 55 on up.

...You're still looking for the rest.

...You've almost hit this point with Polyhedron.

...You remember when White Dwarf was an AD&D magazine.

...You bought a copy of the French-language edition of Dragon, even though you can't read French, because it had Second Edition rules for the Anti-Paladin class, and even though you don't like the class, you know that having that issue will really annoy the Anti-Paladin fans in your gaming club.

... Game dealers at Gencon recognize you and know your name, even though it's your first time at Gencon.

... you remember GenCon in tents.